Everybody loves the Beeb.
So, I'm still awake. I've been pondering what to do while I wait for drowsiness to kick in. These are from the deepest parts of the "pictures" folder. Hope the hubby doesn't get mad that I posted them. Ha. =P
A perfect night to sleep. If I could, that is.
I'm sure the time will be visible at the end of this; when its published. However, to start off, its just coming up to 12:40 am. I'd like to say that normally, by this time, I'm fast asleep but that would be an epic lie. As of late, probably the last three or four weeks, I haven't been able to sleep until about 2 am then waking at about 6 am. Its strange but more frustrating than anything.
Potential reason to this (#1): Wayne. My husband Wayne is in England at the moment. Well, he's been there...forever. Aside from his 2 week trips to see me every 3 months or so and the two months this summer he spent here, that's where he lives. English, born and bred. While me, the not so patriotic American. That isn't to say that I'm ashamed to be born here, live here...its just that not too many of us have anything to be super proud of...if that makes sense. Anyways, due to the really delayed processing times for legal status for Wayne, hes had to go back at the end of each visit. Not due to deportation risks (although that was a fear at one time but since we've been married, its not so much of a risk anymore)but owing more to the fact that I can't support both of us. I'm sure I could if I didn't drive my car or buy any food but alas...I need my car to get to work and I need the food to allow me to work. A cruel world? Nah, just a case of genetics. I miss my husband more than any words (audible or otherwise) could express. On my days off from work, I don't know what to do with myself. Its like my complete self is only intact when he is near me. In fact, I feel someone who doesn't have a soul. Just drifting in and out of being. Or a drunk, in and out of sobriety. We have two options. One, he could hop on a plane and just come here. We would then apply to "adjust his status". He would potentially get a working permit shortly there after and we could be together. Everyday and I could fall asleep next to him every night. Option two, is he stays there and works all the time he can and saves every pence (inside jokes) and we can continue to wait. Sounds like a clear choice. However, option one is VERY expensive. More than I make in a months time and more than I could afford to spend at one time. You know, its funny what money does to people. It can make you selfish. Or in our case, the struggles it causes by not having it, makes us crazy. My uncle (and my god-father) won $500K on a scratch ticket about 4 months ago. I've not heard from him since. Except when he floats in and out of jail and calls my mother to bail him out. (TWICE with her own money which she took against her mortgage) Hes sad, useless and pathetic. He doesn't care for anyone but himself. And while I wish to no end that I had that kind of money, I don't want to be like him. And i'd never ask him for any of it either. It'd sanity-money. I'd loose my sanity the moment it was spent.
Reason #2: My job. My job is stressful. And thats an understatement. It really causes me to ponder the reason I want to live. I suppose that sounds silly but when I come home from a very long day of being torn down and treated like crap and Wayne isn't around to talk to me then and now, I got to wonder why I put myself through it. No worries. That thought leaves me very quickly when I see something of Wayne's. (Usually his clothes do it for me. I look at them and remember him wearing them and it makes it like hes here. Almost.)
I'm not sure if I want to continue this blog. I have trouble with the upkeep sometimes. No promises. But I feel the urge to sleep. And thats a good thing. Goodnight.
Potential reason to this (#1): Wayne. My husband Wayne is in England at the moment. Well, he's been there...forever. Aside from his 2 week trips to see me every 3 months or so and the two months this summer he spent here, that's where he lives. English, born and bred. While me, the not so patriotic American. That isn't to say that I'm ashamed to be born here, live here...its just that not too many of us have anything to be super proud of...if that makes sense. Anyways, due to the really delayed processing times for legal status for Wayne, hes had to go back at the end of each visit. Not due to deportation risks (although that was a fear at one time but since we've been married, its not so much of a risk anymore)but owing more to the fact that I can't support both of us. I'm sure I could if I didn't drive my car or buy any food but alas...I need my car to get to work and I need the food to allow me to work. A cruel world? Nah, just a case of genetics. I miss my husband more than any words (audible or otherwise) could express. On my days off from work, I don't know what to do with myself. Its like my complete self is only intact when he is near me. In fact, I feel someone who doesn't have a soul. Just drifting in and out of being. Or a drunk, in and out of sobriety. We have two options. One, he could hop on a plane and just come here. We would then apply to "adjust his status". He would potentially get a working permit shortly there after and we could be together. Everyday and I could fall asleep next to him every night. Option two, is he stays there and works all the time he can and saves every pence (inside jokes) and we can continue to wait. Sounds like a clear choice. However, option one is VERY expensive. More than I make in a months time and more than I could afford to spend at one time. You know, its funny what money does to people. It can make you selfish. Or in our case, the struggles it causes by not having it, makes us crazy. My uncle (and my god-father) won $500K on a scratch ticket about 4 months ago. I've not heard from him since. Except when he floats in and out of jail and calls my mother to bail him out. (TWICE with her own money which she took against her mortgage) Hes sad, useless and pathetic. He doesn't care for anyone but himself. And while I wish to no end that I had that kind of money, I don't want to be like him. And i'd never ask him for any of it either. It'd sanity-money. I'd loose my sanity the moment it was spent.
Reason #2: My job. My job is stressful. And thats an understatement. It really causes me to ponder the reason I want to live. I suppose that sounds silly but when I come home from a very long day of being torn down and treated like crap and Wayne isn't around to talk to me then and now, I got to wonder why I put myself through it. No worries. That thought leaves me very quickly when I see something of Wayne's. (Usually his clothes do it for me. I look at them and remember him wearing them and it makes it like hes here. Almost.)
I'm not sure if I want to continue this blog. I have trouble with the upkeep sometimes. No promises. But I feel the urge to sleep. And thats a good thing. Goodnight.
